Friday, July 8, 2016

TwoFer! Double Coffee Friday! Starbucks Iced Coffee and Califia Farms FullShot

Brand: Starbucks
Style: Unsweetened Iced Coffee
Origin: United States
Type: Coffee beverage
Flavor: Like a really bad Java Monster energy drink

Verdict: Not approved

Back in my youth, when I still had a stomach of steel...ish, I used to drink these really horrible energy drinks called Java Monster something or another.  I liked them because they had more caffeine than coffee and they tasted like weird metallic cookies.  I figured that the metallic taste was due to the fact that it contained dairy and was packaged in a can, and just rolled with it.  Plus, in the summer, I used to work on the Warped Tour sometimes and they would give them out for free, and we all know free is the best flavor, right?

Present day, I use this app called Ibotta to pocket a little extra cash for my vacation fun.  Basically, you buy things listed in the app, scan your receipt, and Ibotta gives you a rebate of anywhere from 25 cents to a couple of dollars, depending on the item.  It's actually really awesome, and if you don't have it, please use my referral link - - to get it.  We'll both get $5!  I'll be one step closer to all of the glorious snack options available to me on my future Tokyo dream trip, and you'll be $5 closer to whatever your snacky little heart desires <3

Everything will come together soon, I promise!  So, Ibotta had a rebate for a new Starbucks drink that actually comes in an unsweetened flavor, so I went for it!  It was on sale, and I got a dollar back, so the thing was practically free.  It's supposed to be iced coffee (not to be confused with cold brew, where the coffee is actually brewed cold, as opposed to being brewed hot, then cooled), with nothing in it but coffee.  Unfortunately, it actually tastes very similarly to one of those Java Monster energy drinks, despite it not containing milk or sugar and it being packaged in a glass bottle.  I'm not sure if I should be relieved that I wasn't somehow drinking metal particles that would eventually kill me all those summers on Warped, or if I should be more concerned that somehow it's the coffee that tastes this way on its own.  It bears little resemblance to actual coffee, even actual Starbucks coffee on a bad day, which we all know is only a small step away from Kwik-E-Mart mystery coffee-like beverage.  

Did I drink the whole bottle?  Yes, because I am a hopeless slave to the almighty caffeine.  Did I enjoy it?  Not at all.  Do I recommend anyone else drink this?  Hell no, unless you're desperate and can only afford to buy this because it's on sale and Ibotta gives you a dollar back.


Brand: Califia Farms
Style: Unsweetened FullShot Cold Brew Coffee
Origin: United States
Type: Coffee beverage
Flavor: First, coconut, then grit and grease

Verdict: Not approved

After the Starbucks Iced Coffee debacle, I should have known better than to attempt another pre-packaged coffee, but I got suckered in, yet again.  This time, I went for a high-end latte-style one: the Califia Farms Unsweetened FullShot Cold Brew Coffee.  This had a few things going for it, which is why I shelled out the ridiculous amount of money it cost:
  •  Yuppies are terrible, but usually their snacks aren't
  •  It has 6g of protein (pea protein isolate and sprouted brown rice protein; I figured I can always use more protein in my mornings)
  • It has 2g of MCT - for those of you not in the know, MCT stands for medium-chain-triglycerides and is supposed to be some kind of miracle brain juice for ultimate focus and's also the driving force behind the new "butter coffee" trend, I believe?  I'm obviously only partially in-the-know, but hey, miracle brain juice!
  • I looooove Califia Farms unsweetened vanilla almond milk and general use that in my regular coffee at home
  • It has coconut milk in addition to the almond milk
So as you can see, I was imagining some kind of yuppie goodness that would be delicious, creamy, and help me focus on work.  Did that actually happen?  Well, I'm technically supposed to be working right now and instead, I'm writing this review, can draw your own conclusion there.  Most importantly though, how did it taste?!  

Not so good, I'm afraid.  Between the coconut cream, protein, and MCT, it didn't really mix up so well and ended up having a very weird oily, gritty texture.  Call me weird, but I'm actually not a huge fan of my coffee being gritty OR oily, so...that's a big no.  Texture issues aside, it still didn't taste awesome.  The coconut is the strongest flavor, even more so than the coffee, which is okay, but not great.  I think if it didn't feel like drinking straight coconut oil, I could probably get into it, but the texture of this one is really hard to get past.  I might not even make it through the whole bottle, and you know that's saying a lot coming from me!

Added note: After drinking this and writing this review, I started to get dizzy spells for the rest of the day.  Just say no to this one!  Sorry Califia Farms, your almond milk is the shit, but this is just shit :(

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